Empowerment Skills

As highlighted in the guide introduction, a growing body of research is showing that parents and caregivers influence child development in a multitude of ways. Amongst many legal and expert documents, the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child[1] as the key child rights agreement recognises that parents and the family have a decisive role in the child’s upbringing, education and well-being.Consequently, modern prevention science emphasises the importance of adopting various positive parenting skills as a factor which enhances child’s chances to grow into a happy, psychologically healthy and functioning member of society.

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” – Nelson Mandela

So, taking this into consideration, how do we, as parents and caregivers, approach and treat our children in our everyday interactions? You may want to take just a few mindful moments and reflect on some of the following:

[1] United Nations (1989). United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC). Geneva: United Nations.

• Does my child feel safe showing their emotions with me?
• Do I empathise with my child and put myself in their shoes?
• Is my child comfortable with speaking to me openly?
• When my child talks to me, do I listen with complete attention?
• Do I communicate my needs when I am in good spirits, or do I do it more often when I am tired and “have had enough of everything”?
• Do I take my child’s needs and desires into consideration when making important or everyday decisions?
• Am I showing appreciation for my child’s opinions? Am I encouraging my child to confide in me?
• Am I able to effectively discipline my child? How do I cope with that?
• Do I ever raise my voice at my child, threat or punish them?

All children need caring relationships with their parents and caregivers that promote their positive health and overall well-being. They need positive and respectful family day-to-day interactions and environment in which they are committedly listened to and are taken seriously, in which they can freely communicate and express their opinions and views, and in which they and their needs are accurately understood and responded to in a respectful manner.

Although there are individuals who are more naturally inclined to be good at communication, who empathise more easily or choose punitive methods of discipline less often, the vast majority of caregivers will benefit from learning more about these topics. Communication is a skill that is important through life, check the COMMUNICATION SKILLS LEARNING PACKAGE to learn more.

This is amplified by the requirements of modern society and additionally emphasised by the global Covid-19 pandemic. Parents have to deal with many stressful situations on a daily basis in order to provide for their families. A plethora of research and empirical evidence indicates that parents’ stress negatively affects the child, their development and is a risk factor for developing mental health difficulties of the child later on in life.[2] This emphasises the need for parents to not only acquire additional skills to support their children better, but also to support themselves better.

With the Empowerment skills learning package we hope we will provide you both with the tools and an impetus for a broadening of your parenting practices that will help you to be a more confident parent who is able to respect and embrace the wider scope of your child’s knowledge, views and perspectives. This way, your child will feel more heard, acknowledged, understood and respected, appreciated and valued for who they really are, and  most importantly  they will feel loved and cared for even in times when you are trying really hard to keep up with all of the demands and are not at your best.

By incorporating the following empowerment skills into your parenting, you will be able to more easily create and foster a nurturing family environment in which you and your children will feel more empowered and will thrive.

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[2] https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12889-020-09861-5

The most important question we can ask ourselves as parents is what do we want to achieve through raising our children? Probably every parent can agree they want their child to become a responsible, independent, self-confident person who creates meaningful relationships and can rely on themselves. The upbringing that would lead to such an outcome is, without a doubt, the consequence of thoughtful and patient parenting with long-term goals in sight, all while building a quality relationship with the child as a foundation! And this takes work.

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Most parents have at some point used behaviours that are not always the best solution in certain situations with their children. This does not mean they are bad people, nor that they are bad parents, but very simply – that they are human. Demanding perfection of parents is unrealistic and can create additional stress, as highlighted in the “Good Enough Parenting” theory that you can check out in the PROBLEM SOLVING LEARNING PACKAGE. But becoming aware of our own patterns of behaviour in different situations can empower us to improve and, in the long run, to choose to act in the way that is best for our child (and for ourselves).

Choosing positive, bonding behaviours (praise, encouragement), rather than fear of consequences (punishment) work best as an incentive for children’s desirable behaviours.

Here are some examples of bonding behaviour that strengthens parent-child relationships:

• Avoid making decisions according to the current mood: needs and desires are expressed when we are in a good mood, rules are set in advance, and decisions are made in accordance with all the above. Be careful to adhere to the agreed rules yourself.
• Do not get into power struggles with your child: it is not hard to win them when the child is literally life-dependent on us, but they often result in a disrupted relationship. Ask yourself – what triggers this need to win in me, what would help you and what, as a mature adult, can you do to help yourself. Your responses are never your child’s fault or responsibility.
• Communicate with the child with respect: Actively listen to them, show trust, understanding and acceptance of their thoughts and feelings. Do not ridicule, disparage or use what they said against them. Nurture a lasting good relationship and a feeling in the child that they can really talk openly about everything with you.
• Guide yourself by techniques of positive discipline and the natural consequences of behaviour: This teaches your child personal responsibility, builds and maintains self – confidence and promotes positive behaviour in a respectful way. 
• Avoid any form of aggression: do not yell, push or hit my child.
• Try to be patient and give the child responsibility according to age: although this sometimes takes longer and turns out messier.
• Support and encourage your child and their efforts: Provide your child with a safe space to try, make a mistakes and learn from them. Make sure your child knows you love them, even when you disapprove of their behaviour.

We single out the following skills that can enhance bonding behaviour as well as empower parents to act in the best interest of a child.

Emotional accessibility

This point consists of two elements – emotional warmth and supporting emotion.

It is crucial for the child’s mental health to feel a warm, close and constant connection with the caregiver from an early age. In this way, the proper emotional development of the child will be favoured.

On the other hand, as children grow older, they need to acquire a number of skills. They learn to walk, to communicate, to independently explore the world around them. They also learn how to recognise emotions, express and manage them. Over time, they begin to understand the emotions of others and develop empathy.

Accepting and expressing emotions is extremely important for our mental health – and this is being modelled to a child by a parent from an early age.

This can be challenging because it is not always easy to deal with a child’s difficult emotions. However, children whose parents respond to feelings such as anxiety, fear, and distress with empathy tend to express their feelings openly, without shame, and are more compassionate towards others. Parental support in moments of emotional distress empowers the child and makes it easier for them to adopt their own strategies for successfully dealing with emotions.

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Imagine your 6-year-old son at a party. Everyone is having a really good time – there is cake, balloons, a clown and party favours. It is time to go home, he is tired but excited to get his small gift and a chocolate. While walking home you meet his friend Karl, and your child realises Karl got two chocolates. He was the last one to leave, and the birthday girl’s mum gave him one for his little sister at home. Your son gets very upset – Karl’s sister is small, she does not eat chocolate which means Karl just got two chocolates for himself, and your son wants the same.

Here are some tips that can support you in helping your child cope with emotions. These are examples of behaviours to adopt and what you can say or how you can express support in the situation stated above. You do not have to follow these tips in any particular order.

• Acknowledge the child’s right to anger, sadness or fear and help them connect it to a situation that caused it:

“I understand you are angry because Karl got 2 chocolates, and you got only one.”

• Let the child know that all emotions are normal, that everyone has them and that they are not dangerous, only sometimes unpleasant:

“I sometimes get angry as well. It can be very difficult to handle these feelings, but they are completely normal.”

• Help them express emotions in an acceptable way:

“Even though you have the right to be upset, taking Karl’s chocolates was not OK. There are other ways to work this out.”

• The child should be made aware that his feelings will not jeopardize the relationship with you – through words, but also through actions:

“You can let your big emotions out with me”

• Understand the child’s emotions even when they are directed at us:

“I understand you are also mad at me for not getting you more chocolate. That is also OK.”

• Communicate politely and respectfully, in accordance with age, without ridicule and coercion:

“The thing is, it is important to eat sweets in moderation to keep our teeth healthy. What can we do to make this better?”

Guidance and setting boundaries are necessary in the process of growing up. Positive, non-violent methods of disciplining and directing with a lot of love and understanding, help develop self-control and compassion for others in children. To learn more about setting boundaries, please read the MEDIATION SKILLS LEARNING PACKAGE.

In order to better understand discipline, we will start off by explaining what is a punishment, and why it does not work. Punishment is a form of reactive behaviour which intends to control the unwanted behaviour in a child. There are four types of punishment: physical (hitting, smacking and similar), verbal (shaming, making fun of or using cruel words), denial of rewards (like phone or TV privileges for bad grades) and punishing (using “time out”).

If we go back to what is the main goal of upbringing, we must ask ourselves are these the messages and lessons we want to pass on? Or do we want to encourage the development of self-discipline and (self)compassion in our children while maintaining positive parent-child relationships. That we can do through discipline.

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Discipline is teaching and leading a child toward positive behaviour. Positive guidance encourages the child to think before acting and choose the right behaviour themselves. It builds self-control and strengthens the child’s skills to coexist with other people.

Discipline requires thinking, planning and patience both in children and parents, and is a process of thinking and trying (again).

	– Set clear family rules and boundaries. Create them in a participatory way and make sure the children understand them and you all agree.
	– Maintain positive discipline. Tell the child what they are allowed to do, instead of what they are not allowed to do. Teach your child by example, and be a good one.
	– Introduce the child to the natural consequences of behaviour. For example, if a child leaves toys outside the house and they are destroyed or stolen – do not buy replacement toys. When appropriate and safe, teach them that every behaviour has consequences.
	– Always focus on the situation, never judge the child. This is very important because it maintains the child’s self – confidence and gives them a clear idea what they can do better next time.
	– Plan ahead. You can try to avoid some unacceptable behaviour by rethinking situations that usually provoke them. Eg. Try going to the supermarket when children are fed and well rested.
	– Keep your composure. Calmly listen to the child’s explanation of the problem – do not yell or threaten. Discuss ways to solve the problem. Together, come up with a solution that is acceptable to both the child and you – this approach helps the child learn to take responsibility for their actions.

In the end, we want to leave you on a positive note – do not beat yourself up if you sometimes „slide into” reactive behaviour. Like we said, we are all human and sometimes we have just had a long and hard day. The point is to recognise when we make mistakes, to apologise, and to try every day to choose better behaviours – because even that teaches our child something worthwhile.

Reactive behaviour: when your feelings depend on an external event which is out of your control. For example, you had a bad day at work and you are in a bad mood. When you come home your responses, reactions towards your children or partner are a result of what you feel that day about work and you do not have a feeling that you can control your responses.

Proactive behaviour: opposite to reactive behaviour, when you take responsibility for yourself, you are in charge of your reactions and you choose how you think about certain situations.